Hancock Assault A Disgrace

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Former Health Secretary and I’m A Celeb hero Matt Hanock was recently on the receiving end of a heinous assault as he went about his good-natured business. 

A 61-year-old man has been charged with common assault, and Hancock was thankfully unhurt in the incident. The terrifying beatdown took place on the London Underground, and I have to wonder why the British public didn’t intervene. Had I been there, it would’ve been a much different story. 

Mr. Hancock’s secretary offered a statement assuring the public that he wasn’t harmed, and also praised the British Transport Police for their swift reaction. The culprit has been released on bail, and I can finally sleep again knowing the former Health Secretary is safe and sound. 


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Common Approach

Before I talk about my outrage, I have to commend Hancock on his decision to take the Underground in the first place. A man with the riches of Hancock could, in theory, make every effort to avoid the common-sort and opt for a form of transport befitting of his pedigree. Instead, Hancock is determined to appeal to the average citizen - hence why he boarded the Underground. 

Hancock’s desire to think like a commoner culminated in his marvelous I’m A Celebrity appearance in late 2022. Though he wasn’t the official winner, his ‘can-do’ attitude and bravery in the bushtucker trials made him a national treasure and perhaps the greatest modern hero of the modern age. 

Britain In Moral Decline

Sadly, Hancock’s assault is the latest incident in Britain’s moral decline. Last year saw King Charles III be caught in the crossfire of two egg-throwing incidents, whilst the insufferable eco-warriors known as Just Stop Oil desecrated paintings and disrupted football matches.

Next time you take the London Underground (provided its services aren’t cancelled) make sure you keep your bad behaviour to those of your social class. As the 61-year-old assailant is about to find out, the consequences of bothering a member of the elite can be grave. 

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V: 1.23.1 All rights reserved. August 2021
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